New Beginnings

Photo Credit: The Case Foundation

As I Live
if only for today, as if it were
my last, as a child who can't wait across the day,
with the freshness of the wind,
warm sun upon my face,
my soul hits night,
waiting only for the morn
~ Darren Michael Gregory
07/30/14

      I'm starting to invite people to read my developing work.  Selectively, out of fear and trembling in taking steps now towards working as a professional writer, I will remain cautious with family and with friends.  I only want my friends and family who are interested in my work, to visit here.  I'm inviting only those I fully trust in my life.  Those who were supportive of my troubles and who I believe will tell me the truth of the work I'm choosing.  For my PTSD Survivor Companions, all are welcome to view the words shared on the blog, any time.

I've now been humbled enough by life to realize, I'm still very much a green-horn writer.  I don't want to write one word, filled with ego-blown thinking that tries to convince me I'm sharing something important to the whole world.  Maybe what I share is important universally.  Maybe not a single phrase will resonate with anyone.  I've learned through developing this craft, if I use anything at all against myself in the form of a censor, I'll simply find myself defeated.  My wings might spread.  I've already learned, I was actually more afraid of the actual flight.

I know at this point, I don't want to share argument buckets so full of holes all the good water spills out.  Lack of constructed argument in writing, will only leave the water inert, useless.  Arguments that aren't supported well, will never stand fully on their own merit.  No written argument should ever be asked to support itself, simply because Darren writes it.  

I'm likely going to shake things up with some of what I've researched.  I need to get my thoughts out with well constructed arguments to support my new world-view.  Most of the book knowledge I needed is now in me fully understood.  I've ultimately accepted there is value in sharing my thoughts as they're filtered through experiences of trauma in my life.  

For now, I'm just so grateful that remission holds for me a future.  I'm pleasantly  excited about giving writing it's professional due in my life.  Whether or not I learn how to actually earn with my words, this is actually secondary in terms of goals for myself.

If I only write well to The Trauma Recovery Blog sharing support and maybe a story like this or two.  I'm certain I'll only build confidence towards completing the larger project I have in mind.  I've learned so far, that the helpful formation of words for others who might need to hear those words, is a valuable contribution in and of itself.   I'm more than comfortable now with writing to this goal.  I'm willing to continue writing to the blog.  It won't earn a dime there, but it will allow me the space I need to write to the expertise I now hold in terms of trauma and recovery.  

The teaching opportunities coming my way will be my earning power, moving forward.  In terms of personal mission, this is such a clear direction in life for me to pursue now.  I'm teaching to trauma issues.  My expertise is now fully honoured by one of my greatest PTSD heroes, General Romeo Dallaire.  I'm helping agencies now to build and refine their own work towards implementing trauma-informed services.  I've found this so freeing.  I'm finding way to make lemon-aide out of the painful, sharp, bitter lemons my own trauma experience, leveled into my life.  

As a real writer, I'm feeling like Pinocchio.  Like he must have felt, finding himself a real boy, I find myself feeling so incredibly free in terms of my own voice in my writing.  It's difficult to explain to myself, let alone to anyone else.  

I've been in bondage to trauma for twenty years.  With the chains of imprisonment finally off and broken into scrap on the ground, my inner-voice is fully alive.  Especially when I write.  No censoring.  But, I've learned the importance of relying now on some very mindful and thoughtful editing.  

I have no expectations.  Meaning, I'm so willing now to grow through my work here, rather than plan it all out.  All my plans, failed me in life.  If I'd found way to keep my old life plan going, I was supposed to be pensioned off by now in life.  "You Can't Always Get, What You Want . . . But If You Try, Sometimes You Get What You Need".  According to the Rolling Stones who taught me this philosophy is true.

I've learned with the help of so many who taught me along the way, the importance of discovering within myself a sense of wonder and adventure for life.  The most valuable pieces in the long years of life-lesson education, hold strong now within.  I now have within myself a very healthy need for quality, reasoned critique of every piece I prepare.

I no longer use this inner-capacity of mine to judge myself.  I use it  to find the holes in my own inner-argument about life now.  When the thoughts hit the page, no more censoring.  So, people I invite here, and for those who may visit from the support page on Facebook, I know I will use the publishing space to vent my worldview for myself.  But, any words that are left behind will be given some very mindful critique before they are posted forever.  

I use my writers space on Facebook for the early morning, first-draft thoughts that instantaneously engage inside of me.  This happens to me the millisecond my feet touch the floor. This was such a drain of energy for my day in the past.  Thoughts inside, with nothing productive to use them for.  This is a pattern longstanding in my life that served nothing useful to me or anyone else.  Julia Cameron, taught me the importance of this.  Morning Pages.  I use her strategies though with a personal twist today, to keep this process my own.  

I've found a process for my writing that is working.  On Facebook, I can let my thoughts flow to a selected audience (I'm an actor inside too).  There is nothing more healing for we writer/actor types, than to know they have an audience in front of them.  

I'm sharing this morning how much I respect the members in this theatre who who have graciously accepted the invitation to watch over my work here.  I am so grateful for their loyalty and love.  I'm in wonder of all of them as unique person's in life themselves, actually.  They are the people I want to share my stuff with first, whose opinions and critique of my words matter.  Why?  Because they've always been fair, weighing my problem behaviours and rantings against the pain in my conditions, PTSD and Addictions.

I want to now thank them all, for hearing all my past-life rants, and for STILL wanting to risk, supporting me here.  This, for me is one of the biggest healing steps I've ever taken in my personal life.  Taking this step brings me that one inch closer to the  most important resolution in recovery I've found.  

By naming an actual workspace, Darren Michael Gregory - Writer.  I've accepted myself more fully.  I've accepted myself for who I am.  All of me.  On the outside, where my skin lives,  moving forward I have no more need for masks.  I'm actually living safely now above the trauma caused in my old work life.  

I am now, Darren Michael Gregory.  First Nations - Metis, Child of God.  I am a  Husband, father and son.  I'm a Grandfather, brother, uncle and cousin to my extended family and I remain to most a very loyal and life-long friend.

Professionally, I am a writer, recovery coach and educator.  I study as a philosopher and social scientist.  For my personal enjoyment, I'm intentionally moving back towards being a musician and artist.  Socially, I remain an environmental activist, social justice advocate and critically free-thinking spirit.  Life really doesn't get much better than this.  

I am a man who now chooses a lifestyle of wellness to manage PTSD and Addictions in a healthy way.  I choose this to ensure my own inner vessel is clear of any symbolically-demonic influences.  I'm keeping my spiritual space clear, in order to better serve myself and my family.  I want to better support my  friends, my community and my Province.  My Country is important to me and my continent as well. 

My key frame of focus however will now forever remain, the entire world.  Not to save it all.  That isn't my job.  But to at least consider the needs and pain of others, without fear of empathically wounding myself in the process.  We are a single earth-tribe in humanity.  Without this central theme in my own life, I believe I may as well not even be here.

I choose all in this new life in order to live now with truth, integrity, dignity, transparency, and honour towards all mankind living this collective journey, we call life.  The key tenants of my being will forever remain: Love, Compassion, Empathy, Service, and Trust.  I'm now, on a mission in life.  I'm no longer willing to accept, in any way, that I am LIFE'S VICTIM.  

I ask God and my audience, to please bless my dream.  Bless the love-of-my-life with healing.  Bless my extended family and all my friends with the one key element of living we all wish for and never seem to find.  Once and for all, may we find for ourselves, ever-Lasting inner and outward, PEACE.  

In order for me to succeed as a writer, and to support my chosen vocation and mission of service to those living still as a trauma survivors, I need to maintain humility, and humbly seek counsel from my trusted mentors.  At the same time, I will continue to chase through curiosity, education and mindful reflection, all aspects of human life my soul simply won't allow me to NOT pay attention to.  

Writer/Actor/Musician/Philosopher types like myself, have absolutely no choice  in living like this.  We're stuck with this need.  Denying ourselves the blessing of living our passions (choosing denial) will kill our spirits, every time.  Spiritual Death, I've lived it, is the most hideous death of all.  I will not again choose to live a zombie existence on this earth.  Not for anyone.

So knowing all this, my dear friends and fellow travelers, I'm asking for advice.  From my audience.  What could I offer here or somewhere else every morning that might bring you here, based on your own seeking through life's journey?  

What would you find valuable to you?  Not in terms of money value.  But in terms of your own, innate human need, to continue to grow?

Maybe?  Maybe this effort this morning is the official start.

Welcome to the New Life with me.  So happy and grateful you all are here.  You've been so dear to me, all along through this fight I've needed to complete.  I ask God to bless you, each and every day.  Life is a journey, wrought with unknown forests and frightening places we've never in our lives before been.  I want you all to continue on this adventure with me.

Tell me the truth .  . . . Are you in?

Darren Michael Gregory.  August, 8th, 2014.  Darren Is A Community and Workplace Traumatologist, currently living in Creston, British Columbia, Canada.

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The Rolling Stones: You Can't Always Get What You Want

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